Day 1; Envy
Thus begins my self-help journey. I always had all the information I needed to start helping my “self”. All this time, the decisions I’ve been making, the thoughts I’ve been thinking, haven’t been the most honest ones. The concept of truth and lie in terms of consciousness is difficult to understand. But I digress. Today my truth is the dilemma of social media. Or rather the craving and addiction I have to be included in worldly knowing. My day and nights continue regardless of my online presence. It does not correspond to the level of inclusion I have within the people I know (or don’t know; where social media is concern). I perpetuate this metaphorical tug of war — in between the two ropes are being offline and online. From my recent readings, Tony De Mello said “when you renounce something, you’re tied to it”. This truth is such a fearful one for me. I have been stuck on this loop of repressing rather than trying to understand what is it about the act itself that is giving me negative feelings.
Today when I think of Instagram and the damage it does to my psyche, I am realizing that the bulk of my anxiety and distaste for it originates from envy. I feel the burden being left out, excluded. This feeling sits right a top my navel every time I scroll through the mindless contents of Instagram. I am slowly discerning this wrongful concept, I have so strongly imbued in my head — that for all the joyous, exciting gatherings that I’ve not been invited to, translates to my unpopularity and my level of unattractiveness. It is no fault of the people involved or the idea in my head. For the longest time that I’ve been alone, I always wondered what it matters to me that I’m cast out.
The day will come when I accept the importance of how love is not at all about acquiring or gathering. All the love that I can receive resides within me. I can only receive love as much as I have love internally. So if by this far I haven’t seen the result of such love from around me, it must only be because the lack thereof love inside this vessel I call “me”.
My next step will be to disconnect with such a fear — the likes of self-hatred, disappointment and loneliness.
For as long as I hold on to the disrespect I have for my being and reasonable existence, I will never get past my insecurities. I was here just for the same reason as the next guy; there is no reason at all. Stop identifying with the falsehoods of social medias or the activities I’m no part of. I am not the consequence of anything and everything around me.
It will not alter my state of mind whether or not I have a story to share today or later on Instagram or anywhere public. The best thing I can do is to stop relating to this deep envy.
